Late last night I was having trouble getting to sleep so I turned on the television to let my mind drift away. There wasn’t a whole lot to choose from at that hour so I settled on one of these get-rich programs about how I can sell real estate from my bedroom and be a millionaire by this time next year. The program even had actual people who have had unbelievable success using the “system” come on and tell me that it’s true; I can get rich because they did.
That got me thinking. I’m not sure I ever shared any of the testimonials I’ve received from people who regularly read my column. It seems only fair that if I ask you to read my column each week I should at least provide you with the opinions of some past and current subscribers. So without further ado – let the testimony begin.
“The first time I read Artie’s article entitled “Voices in my Head” I knew he would be my next prophet and some day lead all of mankind to the promised land. Keep up the great work Artie – your time is soon upon us.”
- Jesus Christ, January 2000
“Before Artie was writing his column I couldn’t see or walk. Then one day my mom gave me a Braille version of it and I could immediately see. The next week I read another article, this time the print version and I could walk! Where would we be without Artie?”
- Some formerly Blind Guy from Vegas
At first I was skeptical about revealing these testimonials from “actual” readers because they make me feel pompous and arrogant. But if people will believe a paid actor that if they invest four hundred dollars to purchase a pile of DVD’s that repeat the same diluted message over and over again, well then it’s high time I revealed some of my own praises.
“I have seen the future of entertainment, and his name is Artie”
- One of the Remaining Beatles
“If only he could have put as much effort into his high school studies as he does into that damned devil’s writing of his…he could have turned out more like his sister.”
- Artie’s Mom
“When I first started reading Artie’s column I could barely sound out some of the larger words. Last week I received my PhD from Harvard and have Voices in my Head to thank for it.”
- Future President of the United States
“My mom reads Artie’s article to me and it makes me laugh. I don’t like to read it myself because it doesn’t have any pictures”.
- Current President of the United States
“It cleared up my acne!”
- Confused adolescent girl from Massachusetts
“Woof, woof, woof. Woof woof!”
- “Louie” - Artie’s Bulldog
It’s not that I don’t think the people in the commercial testimonials are being sincere. Actually, yes it is. These people are simply reading what has been scripted for them in order to receive a paycheck. Why not cut the bologna and use the time to explain the fine print of the money back guarantee for the product or service they are peddling?
Better yet, for every testimonial that displays copies of the large bank deposits they made by using the glorious real estate program, why not show one of the poor slobs who stole his mother in law’s credit card to buy it and now has a small claims lawsuit in the morning?
Nobody is immune to the enthusiasm these actors can put into their employer’s products and services. We’ve all seen something being sold on television that we thought would improve our lives in some way. It only exacerbates the feeling when regular people just like us come on and tell us the wonders of the product or service.
I remember this one time I saw a beautiful ring on one of the home shopping networks. It was genuine gold with some sort of shiny green stone on it. It was the perfect ring for my girlfriend. Unfortunately when the substandard ring arrived I realized that not only had I been suckered by the testimonials but also I was “enthused” by the painkillers I was on from having surgery on my foot that day and no longer had a girlfriend.
Damn testimonials – ruined what should have been another perfect night on painkillers.
My name is Artie Leary. I am a humor columnist based out of a small New England town. You may not have heard of me before so let me introduce myself by telling you four things about me that you probably couldn’t guess.
1. My parents wanted a girl when I was born and they were going to name her Stephanie. This lovely little anecdote is told by my dear old mother annually at my birthday party.
2. When I was seven years old I stole a zucchini from Mr. Chalke’s garden and brought it home to my parents for dinner. It was that night as I cried myself to sleep after my dad slapped me on the head and called me an idiot that I decided I didn’t have what it takes for a life of crime.
3. I cut my own hair and shave my own back and it isn’t easy.
4. I once told my Great Aunt Alice who was suffering from Alzheimer’s that my name was Charlie Manson and she was part of my “family”. My mother grounded me for two weeks for that “misunderstanding”.
Tags: artie leary, liar, president, satire, shopping, television, testimonials, voices in my hear
