If the world ever gets its mits on someone with real super powers, the results are likely to be a lot less spectacular than portrayed by comic book and movie super heroes. For example, the show Smallville comes a little closer to what life might be like for the gifted super hero, if you remove all that junk about meteor rocks turning every kid in town into an evil adversary for Clark Kent to struggle with.

Jonathan Kent had the right idea for a real super hero’s father. Here are some conversations excerpts that might have taken place between Clark and his dad.

Jonathan: “Get over here boy, I need to you lift up this tractor so I can work on it.”

It was the first time I ever saw a men’s restroom line that was longer than the line to the woman’s restroom. Which just doesn’t happen. At most events, that my wife and I attend, I end up waiting on her. This bathroom trip was different and I have a theory why.

Judging by the average age of the men in this awfully slow moving urinal line, I’d say a collective prostate-specific antigen test would produce a figure reminiscent of Bo Derek.

Now prostate problems are not a laughing matter. As I was standing there chuckling within my own cranium, it wasn’t the idea of high PSA tests and frequent unproductive trips to the porcelain wall that struck me as funny. What struck me as humorous was where we all were. The event we all were coming from wasn’t an ARP membership drive or a retirees reunion at the local factory or any other senior citizen focused experience… we were all at a Styx concert!

Rebecca hung upside down from the seatbelt in her Nissan Sentra. The roof was now the floor and her long brown hair trailed along the fabric. She had no idea how long she had been hanging upside down, but the blood was pounding loudly in her ears. Rebecca found that she was unable to move except for her neck. She turned her head to the left and found herself staring eyeball to eyeball with a pair of startled blue eyes. She strained to see more, but could only tell there was a young man outside her car who also appeared to be suspended upside down, but without the confines of a seatbelt to hold him there.

“Uh… hello there. I’m Jason” he said, a bit stunned.

Rebecca looked at him a bit bewildered at the new, um… person. This man Jason was redefining speed dating. It was a bit funny to her and at the same time puzzling. She was uncertain about him but she knew they needed to get out of there. They needed to get to a clear area. “And you are?”

“Bones. But I didn’t do it and I wasn’t drinking.”

“I know you told me that already. We have to get to a clear area.”

“Have no fear Ma’am! Jordan McCay at your service! I’ll protect you and get us to some place safe. You can count on it.”

I’m not exactly what you would call handy. In fact, I am to home improvement what Mr. T is to Victoria’s Secret. I require an overnight hospital stay if I attempt to remove the rubber band from around a newspaper. (I’ve almost put my eye out twice.)

My lack of mechanical prowess is known throughout the countryside. The borough that I live in has requested that I apply for a permit, if I attempt to build a sandwich.

My father was the one who was blessed with these skills. He could work on the family automobile and have it running in the morning, repair a broken hay rake on the back of the tractor in the afternoon, install new electrical outlets in the spare room by dusk and then turn around and make a Hungarian Goulash that would make a native Budapestian migrate to our kitchen. And, he’d do it all in one day. (Let’s see him write a half hour spec script for “Everybody Loves Raymond.”)

An adage is a time-tested truism, but some adages don’t ad up anymore. “A penny saved is a penny earned” has deflated in meaning because of inflation.

“Penny-wise and pound foolish” is an English adage. Here it would be more effective as an ad for Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. Another truism about money is “A fool and his money are soon parted”. This one must explain Las Vegas.

Then there’s the one about saving for a rainy day. Because I live in Southern California, I wouldn’t save much - certainly not as much as people living in Seattle. Actually, it’s Prince Charles who should be saving for a reigny day.

Sometimes, husbands are really annoying. For an Irish, redhead like me, this can cause problems. During private sessions with clients and over many years of marriage, I’ve discovered a few tricks to avoid homicide when faced with you own beloved husband disguised as the village idiot… May these tips help you avoid temptation…

1. Pedicure. Pretty toes are very good to look at while you are having a “talk” with your husband about whatever said grievance is occurring. As the ridiculous phases float out of his mouth you can distract yourself by watching the light reflect off your pretty toes. Hot red means business!

Jason found himself quite annoyed at the two tractor-trailers that had boxed him in on the 205. Here he was in his little old white punch bug of a car sandwiched between the two monster rigs. He cringed every time he wondered whether they had been drinking or not or had a good nights sleep. One mistake and he would be road kill. He laughed out loud thinking it would be nice right now if this little bug really was Herbie.

“Oh God!” said Jason’s second personality, he had seven, Brian. “There you go again with the Disney movies. You make me –“ The sound of a horrendous crash cut Brian off, followed immediately by screeching tires, screaming horns and crunching metal. The tractor-trailers closed in on the bug squishing it from the sides. Metal groaned and scraped as they came to a stop.

I admit it. I need a twelve-step program for people addicted to mail order catalogs. I was clean and shopless for eight months. I was able to put every catalog that came in the mail into the wastebasket without opening a page.

Unfortunately, my resistance crumbled when I was marooned in a doctor’s waiting room without a magazine - not even a three-month-old copy of Newsweek. The other patients, who were also trying to be patient, had taken all the reading material except one, dog-eared catalog.

Thinking I had conquered my addiction, I picked it up. Because I didn’t feel my heart rate increase, I allowed myself to casually look through it. WRONG!

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks. When I was a little girl, this was just a bedtime story. As an adult, I can read the lesson between the lines. Picky people are hard to bear.

When I heard the story of “Cinderella”, I wanted glass slippers. Now I would need the slippers in size eight and a half. If I tried to squeeze my feet into eights, I’d undoubtedly shatter my dreams about Prince Charming. “If the shoe fits, wear it” is “Cinderella’s” lesson.

As a child, I saw “Snow White” as proof an apple wasn’t as healthy as my mother said it was. Today, however, I’m wondering if the apple cured Snow White’s morning breath.